For those of you who didn't know me in the 90's, I am huge Ani Difranco fan. I, once upon a time, looked like Bjork mated with Liz Phair and gave birth to Gwen Stefani, wore boots that made the military jealous and got my haircuts from Angry Dyke's R Us. This is not an insult to butch looking lesbians, but rather a compliment to my adoration of women who embraced the term, "Righteous Babe", didn't take any shit and screamed their way though the Alternative Grunge of my era. If I could get over my genetic fascination with guy genitalia, I would totally join my sisters in arms.
Previous to that, I went through my more feminine side of my feminist revolution. If you don't believe me, I can send you a photo...no, shit...there were moments when I looked like Boy George.
At the bright age of 19, I lived in the YMCA, which sounds like a groovin' place to be if you are one of the Village people, but trust me, when I say this, that there are much, much better places to live. Think scary spiders, think psycho weirdos, think this is the last place you ever, ever want your 19 year old to live. It wasn't the first time I was living in some pretty questionable circumstances and obviously it won't be the last, now that I am ghetto livin' for the second time in my fixer upper in what is supposed to be my family friendly home sweet home.
"You can't get through it , you can't get over it, you can't get around. Just like a dream. you'll open your mouth to scream and you won't make a sound..."
It's been another strange week. Relationship break-ups, more floods to other people's houses, heart attacks, bladder cancer, broken hips, pulled hamstrings....there isn't a person that I have talked to lately that has good news. Luckily, we are just dealing with Casa Cayendo...it's just a stupid, broken, flooded house, so all is well.
"Cause, I am not a pretty girl, that is not what i do. I ain't no damsel in distress and I don't need to be rescued. So put me down punk, maybe you'd prefer maiden fair, isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere...."
As easy as it was to go through my, "Punch me if you dare" exterior of the 90's, it's pretty tough to pull that shit with a house full of children that I am raising to have authentic selves, and that I have protected from the harsh upbringing that made me tough as nails and capable of taking the worst kind of crap that life can deal at you at any moment.
This is the hard part. As much as I can shut down and not feel (frankly, that's easy), it's difficult watching my kids reaction to what we are going through for the second time. My son, after finishing up the moving of the furniture, handed me five bucks out of his wallet and said,"I got it Mom, don't worry."
My daughter, cried her eyes out and asked me how we were ever going to fix this....again. I reminded her, that I started out with nothing, just the clothes on my back and a backpack. Now, I have a her and her brother and her sister, so everything else means nothing, it's just a whole bunch of shit that is easily replaced.
My oldest daughter has refrained from discussing our current situation with anyone, including her closest girlfriends. She is embarrassed and wants no pity from no one...have no idea where she gets this from. I brought home a clothing donation from a friend at work on Friday who was eager to offload some Lu-Lu Lemon sweatshirts and she responded with,"Really?! Now, people are sending us clothes out of pity?!".
It's a hard road to keep a stiff upper lip when you see your kids are struggling, even more when they see you struggling. As proud as I am that my boy has faith and wants to help out...I go from pride of realizing that my kids have the right stuff to feeling like a parent who has failed each and every one of them.
That's why its easier to just keep focusing on the positive. We've been fortunate with friends who have offered to pitch in, drop off dehumidifiers, heaters, wine and hugs....next door neighborhood dinners, hot tub weekends away, cookies on our doorstep and dump trailers. Just when you think you might be alone in this mortal coil, the universe does a pretty good job of reminding you that you are not far from the people that matter the most.
"I got friends all over this country. I got friends in other countries too. I got friends I haven't met yet, I got friends I never knew.
So it's pretty simple... I can invest energy in being pissed off, depressed and verklempt or I can just get on with things and get it done. When bad things happen, good things come out of the woodwork. We have been blessed with friends who have offered help, hugs and hands.
Research on the internet.... it's a wonderful thing. I have no idea why we didn't have a look at flooring options that would withstand the damage of a flood the first time around but like most of us, it's an ostrich in the sand approach to most of life's problems. That's why if you don't listen...to the universe, your higher power or a deity of choice they will slap you in the ass a second time until you get the message to wake the fuck up.
"I do it for the joy it brings, because I am a joyful girl, because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world. I do it because it's the least I can do, I do it because I learned it from you and I do it just because I want to."
The investment we make everyday matters. Hear me.....the giving we do everyday MATTERS. We all have those moments where we think, "What the fuck?! Why bother?! What' s the point?!".....even the best of us. I can guarantee that you will get back what you give, even Mother Theresa understood that,
It's about investing in the right relationships. Seriously, this is easy stuff and yet so many of us screw it up, including myself. I spent half of my life trying to fix the fucked up relationships that didn't have a hope in hell of being normal and yet, I tried. We assume that the relationships that matter are the ones that we entered into the world with, the ones we think will secure a future for us, the ones that we think are somehow good for us because of lust or greed or unrealistic expectations. But it's really pretty simple....it's the people we are responsible for, the people who genuinely love us back and the people that are worth the investment. Even more, it's just because...sometimes you get nothing back and that's okay...it's an investment in you.
"I was a long time coming, I'll be a long time gone. You've got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long. So, why don't you give me a call, when you're willing to fight, for what you think is real and for what you think is right."
I am going to fix this. My son's feeling of responsibility, my daughters despair and my oldest daughters embarrassment. They are the only relationships that matter to me the most at this moment. My job as a mother is to do the best work I can for my family, even if that means putting on a brave face, taking one for the team, gathering my big girl pants and sucking it up. It's not about what's happening to me but what I can do about making it not such a big deal. There are bigger dramas out there than a flooded basement.
"They say goldfish have no memory, I guess their lives are much like mine, and the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. And it's hard to say of the're happy but they don't seem much to mind."
We are your average Canadian family and we owe our lives to the people that we love.........
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